A year ago today I was a f**king mess...
1 year ago today I hit rock bottom. This isn’t one of those dates where I knew my life was changing, the only reason I know it’s a year today is because of that ‘see your memories’ post on facebook.
There are some memories you want to forget, like the toxic relationship with your ex that’s burned in your mind forever and ultimately changed you in ways you didn’t even see coming. And there are other memories that fill you with so much love you cry on the spot, like the time my niece was a year old and being bossy in the family salon, or countless videos of my nephew and godson being the cutest little boys alive! Photos of my little sister-in-laws growing up faster than I care to believe.And there are other memories, ones that remind us of a place of pain, and fill our eyes with tears for a totally different reason. Not happiness, not sadness. I couldn’t understand why a photo of my tyre blow out on the M56 would make me cry the way it just did. And then it hit me… I got out.
I don’t mean I got out the car alive, because that would be terribly dramatic for the events of that day. I mean I got out of my life - I say my life, that wasn’t ever really my life at all.
12 months ago I was a mess. And I don’t mean one of these hot messes thats becoming way cooler to be. I mean A MESS:
I was crippled in pain every single day due to my allergies; I wasn’t having any fun due to my anxiety that I wouldn’t really talk about because, well, we don’t do we?! (but we should!); I lived for the weekend so I could get shit faced and spend Sundays throwing up waiting for Monday; I lost my head; I didn’t stay up-to-date with essentials like car tax and MOT; I didn’t care about wasting my money on meaningless crap and instant emotional fixes that weren’t really a fix at all; I lived between my parents and my grandparents house because I was too busy paying of loans accumulated from my foolish days; I was a fucking mess. I didn’t even know who I was.
Sure, I looked OK on the outside (with the exception of my allergic reactions), I smiled, I laughed, I put on a brave face but all the while I was dying inside, anxious, miserable and craving so much more.
And then it happened, it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was NOT going to be the way I lived the rest of my life. I had control! It was MY FAULT I didn’t have an MOT on that day, and it was MY FAULT that I had to pay hundreds just to get towed because no insurance would pick me up without my MOT. It was MY FAULT I was so sick because I was forcing myself to work a job that was literally killing my body from the inside. It’s a strange kind of feeling when you realise that you manifested all the bullshit. It was all because of me. So what did I do?
I changed. Just like that I decided to get out, to change my mindset and to find a way to travel the world exactly like I’d always wanted to. I enrolled into my life coaching diploma - and didn’t tell a soul until I took my exam, I hired my business coach to help me grow The Harmony Army to a business that meant I could leave my salon, I cut back my hours in the salon despite the stress of not having enough money - this job was FREAKING KILLING ME, I started doing yoga 2/3 times a week, I buried deeper into my self help books than I ever had before.
I ate differently, I worked out more. This all took time I might add. My transformation didn’t happen over night! It took working in the salon all day and studying at night, it took building a business that NO ONE around me understood, it took standing alone believing in myself, it took one hell of a painful allergic reaction to make me see that enough was enough. I was out. Out of my comfort zone. Out of the life as I knew it. I WAS SO OUT.
So why tell you this now? This isn’t some big moment at the end of a movie where I’ve got my shit together and worked everything out. I’m not suddenly a millionaire - but I’m working on my financial goals, I’m not living in a 5 star villa - but I am living in my own personal paradise, and I’m not Oprah - but I’m working hard on inspiring the people of this world to go deeper in themselves, work on yourself from the inside, change your life if you must but whatever you do don’t do what I did. Don’t bury your head in the sand, don’t fool yourself, and don’t take for granted the fact that you can have, do or be anything you bloody well want. I mean that.
These tears in my eyes aren’t sadness, they pride. Pure pride that I got out, that I’m creating my own path every single day, that I’m living life on MY terms, that I nailed my transformation and I now get to help and support others doing the same, that I’m no longer just surviving, I’m finally living.