Does being fat f**k with my feminine?

Before I start I want to make a point about the word “fat”. This is not a label, this word is not what I choose to attach to myself, or a label I would give anyone else either, it’s purely for ‘impact’ purposes! Now we have that sorted, I’ll begin…

So I’m a curvy girl, I’m good with that and I own it, but that doesn’t change the face that I’ve battled with my weight for as long as I can remember. It stems from a lifetime of ancestral self confidence issues, watching my mum hop on and off the scales, being called names by boys in school way back when I didn’t know anything about projection or narcissistic behaviours, societal pressures, media, past relationships and my own paralysing self doubt. I thought I’d overcome this, I mean, I love my body but lately I’ve learned that my divine feminine is out of whack, and  I’ve noticed the physical symptoms of my PCOS rearing its ugly head. So, I want to talk about this. 

As a woman, we don’t expect to have to battle with the testosterone based shit that men deal with, weight around the middle, excess hair growth, no periods etc, but what if I told you that I had all of these things?

This big breasted, bold and brilliant woman who counts herself as a self love and female empowerment freaking GODDESS has a beard (not quite, but a few excess hairs around my jawline, chin and chest still doesn’t feel cute), is overweight and haven’t bled for 3 and a half months. I may as well be a man, right? 

WRONG. I am woman. I am all woman, and that is why I’m here talking to you about it. 

My health affects the way I see myself as a woman, I not only battle with PCOS, but I’ve also been diagnosed with CVS (Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome), IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivity). Save me the “life’s a bitch BS”, I know wholeheartedly that I was sent these illnesses to heal them, to delve deep into the trauma that creates them, and hopefully inspire a host of women out there to stand up, own their bodies and live their best life because hey, I’m a sucker for a cliche and bloody love an underdog!

So today I’m going to talk to you about my messed up hooha, my sacral chakra and the shit I’m doing to heal it. 

Here we go. 

So, the last few days I’ve felt a strong pull to a certain crystal, a certain chapter in my book and my sacral chakra, and waking up this morning that pull was so undeniable that my instagram feed was nothing but orange images, sacral pulls and goddess links that make me have no choice but to listen. Taken down my sacral chakra rabbit hole, I was led to a meditation to see my chakra and what it looks like right now. It’s a rotten apple. There’s no other way to describe it than rotten, depleted and in need of some serious love. 

The more research I did on this chakra - that I honestly have NEVER paid any attention to at all - the more I found the significant links to my human health conditions and my soul level blocks that have occurred throughout my life.
The truth is I need to honour my body, to step in to my divine feminine and my sexuality and share this journey with you. This is not a case of journaling this shit out, this is some powerful magnetic shift that needs to take place on all realms, so I’m stepping in to some pretty powerful transformations in order to learn more and share more too. Awareness is freedom. 

It’s a powerful thing when you release the ties that hold you to the ego you used to be, and bring you back to who you are as a soul, and so I’m embarking on a path of exploration to discover how I thrive all of my forms, physically and spiritually, and take a giant stride forward for women everywhere. Here it goes: 

My diet: I hate talking about my diet because I am a glutton for punishment. I love food, I love the idea of eating organically, nourishing my body with pure, vegan, powerful foods that help me thrive on all levels. But my shadow self is seduced by decaying flesh, poisonous chemicals, processed crap and more chocolate then even Bruce Bogtrotter could handle. That side of me loves it and gives in wherever possible, but it doesn’t suit me. It reduces me to pain and sadness, it leaves me doubled up in agony and takes away my energy. Food is a passion and a pain at the same time, it’s heaven and hell, and it’s time to get on top of it. 

So now I’m eliminating a vast amount of food from my lifestyle and listening to what my divine body needs and fueling her with that. The psychological triggers around food are always the hardest to break, so alongside this I’ll be meditating, arming myself with books and information, I’ll be journaling on not just the food I eat, but the thought process around it, the feelings and emotions, the cravings, the triggers and ultimately taking responsibility for what I put inside this glorious body of mine. 

Food has always felt like a frenemy, something I cling to at my dark times and turn to at my happy times. I use it to both celebrate and commiserate and I’m ready to break that cycle. 

My sexuality: For those of you who don’t know, I recently took a vow of abstinence, not full blown celibacy, but refraining from offering my body to anyone else until emotionally and spiritually ready to do so. This has highlighted such a lack of connection with my sensuality, my appreciation for my body, and the fear of sharing my body to another being. After 13 months of this, I knew I was ready to explore this side of me again and open myself up, which in turn has opened up a door to exploring and healing my divine feminine, to reconnecting with that sacral chakra through self love practices, dance, masturbation, massage, sex. 

At this point of my life I no longer treat my body as an object, but as the form I chose to live in and no longer wish to punish. She is treated with respect and honoured as a goddess, so pleasure, passion and desire are high up on the list of things she’s receiving going forward! Who doesn’t deserve more pleasure in their life?

Not only does the food I eat have a huge impact on how I honour my body but so does the way a fuel in it other ways to. She deserves to be touched, she deserves to be dressed in her favourite clothes, she deserves to be smothered in moisturising products that don’t leave chemicals seeping into her bloodstream. And that she shall have!

My habits: my lack of accountability has been outrageous at times. I often procrastinate, bury my head or just down right ignore the world until it explodes all around me. Whenever I let go of my daily habits, my life seems to fall apart piece by piece, making it harder to get back into the swing of things. One thing I know to be true is that habits shape how we act, who we are and ultimately build the foundation for how we live. Stepping back into a powerful daily routine of gratitude, exercise, reading, writing, dancing and healthy living has shifted my focus in less than 72 hours. It’s powerful shit. Everyone’s routine is different, so I encourage you to select three core habits that lift your vibration and commit to them every single day for 4 weeks, and try and tell me that you haven’t noticed some miracles happening! I dare you. 

My relationships: This is kind of happening both purposefully and accidentally. People are shifting out of my life and people are flowing into it. Some people I love dearly are drifting away, and that’s ok, we just don’t vibe the same anymore, it doesn’t mean I love them any less, it just means we’ve all got our own things going on and don’t quite gel like we used to. Equally, the people drawn into my life feel more like my tribe than ever before, for the first time in my life I feel at peace with my relationships. I no longer wish to exhaust my energy on things that no longer serve me, and I don’t want you to either. We can love people without being involved in their lives, we can love ourselves without having to say yes to people, things, events, places and general shit that we just don’t want to. Believe me when I tell you that saying yes when your gut is screaming “No!” seriously messes up your chi, so do yourself a favour and so no once in a while and feel that liberation!

The thing about owning our divine power is that we have to understand it’s not for everyone, we can’t serve every single being on the planet and honour our truth at the same time, it’s just not possible. But what we can do is step into our own light, by doing that we begin to heal not just ourselves, but we create a ripple effect on the people around us. We begin to hold space for others to see how they want to live and to step into the bad ass bitch they know they’ve always been. 
So I’m starting now, I’m living in my light and honouring myself, who’s with me?!

Love, Light and High MF Vibes!